Many of you may have seen the recent Paranormal State episode titled "The Dark Man".  This case showed a family who had recently lost a son/brother and their struggle to cope with this loss and move through their grief.  I’ve gotten e-mails from other people who are coping with the loss of a loved one, so therefore I wanted to provide some information about the grieving process, as well as some resources for continued education and support.

First, there are different kinds of loss. When most people think of loss, they think of losing someone who has died, which can be the most significant and debilitating kind of loss and will be the focus of this entry.  Other types include symbolic losses, such as losing a spouse or parent when a divorce occurs, or losing a job.  I will dedicate a separate entry to symbolic loss in the future as it can also cause severe distress in one’s life.

Many people who lose a loved one can feel very alone in their grief and their friends and family may be worried about them, and wondering if they will be okay.  Therefore, it is good to know that there are such things as normal grief reactions that most people experience following a loss.  Emotions that are characteristic of normal grief include sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, fatigue, helplessness, shock, yearning for the lost person, a feeling of freedom and/or relief (which can exacerbate the feelings of guilt) and numbness (Worden, 2002).  Behaviors that are characteristic of normal grief reactions include changes in sleep and appetite, absentmindedness, social withdrawal, dreaming of the deceased, avoiding reminders of the deceased, searching and calling out for the deceased, sighing, feeling restless, being over-active, crying, and visiting places and/or carrying objects that remind you of the deceased (Worden, 2002).  Any and all of these reactions are considered "normal" reactions to the loss of a loved one, and they usually will pass or be experienced to a lesser degree with time.

Probably the most well-known theory on coping with grief comes from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who listed five stages of grief that she felt people go through:  denial, bargaining, anger, sadness and acceptance (Walsh-Burke, 2006).  Most feel that these stages can be meaningful as guidelines, but should not be viewed as a sequential process, as one can go through many of these stages simultaneously and can go back and forth between stages.

Worden (2002) lists four tasks that he feels should be completed during a healthy mourning process.  These include accepting the loss, experiencing the pain of grief, adjusting to your environment without your loved one and memorializing your loved one.  There are many things you can do to work through your grief in a healthy way and accomplish these tasks.  The best thing you can do is talk about your loss and your grief.  You can talk to a friend, family member or a professional.  It is important that it be someone who will listen to you, comfort you, and not judge you.  Specifically, you want to identify and talk about any of the above emotions or behaviors that you may be experiencing.  You can also tell stories and show photos or other items that belonged to or remind you of him/her.  Another helpful exercise is to write a letter to the person you lost, especially if you are experiencing guilt or have unfinished business with the person.  You can also keep a journal of your feelings, write poetry, paint, draw, or express your grief in other artistic ways.  Another great way to memorialize your loved one is to create a memory book by yourself or with other people who are grieving.  You can include photos, memorabilia, stories, drawings, etc. (Worden, 2002).  If you are religious, you may also find it helpful to speak with your clergy to talk about what death means in your religion, and to find reassurance in that way.  It’s also important to remember that everyone grieves differently and the process is longer for some, so don’t let other people tell you that "you need to move on" or "it's time to let go".  Although they may have good intentions, you need to allow yourself to feel the pain of your loss and work through it in your own way, in your own time.

From the paranormal perspective, many people report seeing their loved ones either right before, during or immediately following the time of death, either as a vision/ghost/spirit or in a dream where the person seems to be saying goodbye.  Additionally, studies on this topic indicate that anywhere from 39% to 90% of people who have lost a loved one report some type of post-death contact with them, with experiences ranging from feeling their presence, to speaking to them, experiencing smells associated with them, and hearing voices and sounds associated with them (Klugman, 2006).  Therefore, if you have had this type of experience, you are definitely not alone, and many paranormal investigators believe this to be the most common type of paranormal experience.  Many believe this is their way of saying goodbye and that they are okay – how extraordinary!  Even books on grief therapy list this as a normal grief reaction/experience; Worden (2002, pp. 16-17) says:

            normal behaviors because hallucinations are a frequent experience of the bereaved.  They are 
            usually transient illusory experiences, often occurring within a few weeks following the loss, and generally
            do not portend a more difficult or complicated mourning experience.  Although disconcerting to some, 
           many others find these experiences helpful.  With all of the recent interest in mysticism and spirituality, it
            is interesting to speculate whether these are really hallucinations or possibly some other kind of 
            metaphysical phenomena."

Good question!

Many people also report lucid dreams following the death, where they are interacting with the loved one.  Unfortunately, in the case of "The Dark Man" the dreams that the client was having were of a scary nature; however, they are more often positive dreams that convey love, warmth, and comfort.

Most people report reaching a point where they have adapted to and made meaning of the loss and created a "new normal" for their lives.  Of course, life will never be normal again, since someone significant to you is gone; however life can go on and you can be happy again while remembering your loved one in a fond way, feeling grateful for the time you had with them, and acknowledging their life in a positive way.  Most people feel they have reached this point when they are able to feel happiness and joy when thinking of or reminiscing about their loved one, instead of only feeling pain and sadness; these feelings may never completely go away either, but will instead subside to a point where you can cope with them and accept them as part of your life and the experience of the loss.

Below I have listed some online resources where you can start if you would like to receive more help:

Website:  Psychology Today:  Find a Therapist

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php
Enter your zip code and what type of help you are looking for and this search engine will produce a list of therapists that includes the therapist’s picture, personal statement, contact information, specialties, education, credentials (including license number for verification), treatment orientation/approach to therapy (these are also links which, if clicked on, explain each type of therapy).  All are verified by Psychology Today, which means that they verify their name and contact info, their professional license(s), and whether or not there are any restrictions on their license.  You can specify that you'd like a therapist that specializes in grief and loss.

Provides comprehensive information on mental health, families and relationships, health and wellness, addictions, and coping with grief and loss and recognizing signs of depression.

National suicide hotline, as well as information on suicide

Lists phone numbers for suicide hotlines in each state

Klugman, C.M. (2006).  Dead Men Talking:  Evidence of Post-Death Contact and Continuing

    Bonds.  OMEGA, 53(3), 249-262.

Worden, J.W. (2002).  Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy:  A Handbook for the Mental Health  

    Practitioner. (3^rd ed.).  New York:  Springer Publishing Company.